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"Sex, sex, sex is all you think about" says my wife. How can I get balance? Or is she the one with the imbalanced?

asked May 17, 2017
3100 PointsGold
Hello Antonio,  In many relationships sex and money are often fought about, however it is only the surface issue. Without having several couples counseling sessions with you I can only speculate about the underlying issues that you both brought to your marriage that started in your childhood and have continued to grow in your marriage. You both are not necessarily out of balance, but certainly wounded and relating to one another from a place of disappointments, regret, anger, hurt anad resentments, even if it is subtle.

In general when there is a relationship problem you can look at 1)Agreements you have made with each other and/or yourself that you haven't kept, or acknowledged; 2) One or both of you has been denying your feelings, i.e., like being mad, scared or hurt and have not discussed this with your partner; 3) Keeping any marital business a secret, i.e., affairs of any kind, spending money, addictions, etc. These things must be acknowledged and cleaned up.

In addition, John Gottman, PhD (leading researcher in marital relationships) refers to the Four Horsemen that will destroy relationship. This means that if you have more 1)Defensiveness, 2)Stonewalling, 3)Contempt, 4)Criticism than you do positive interactions you will dig yourselves in a hole that will be difficult, at best, to get out of. The ratio in healthy marriages is 5-8 positive interactions to 1 negative in any given day. One can easily start turning this around through relaying compliments, appreciation, and gratitude on a daily basis, i.e., look for all the positives and acknowledge them...let the little annoying things go.

One thing I might also suggest is that you think about the beginning of your relationship and remember how you behaved toward your wife. What are the things that made her fall in love with you, and have an attraction to you? Then ask yourself if you are still doing those things. Be honest with yourself and willing to learn and accept how your relationship has changed. Accept the positive ways it has changed and the things that you both have let slide that are important. You may be able to shift one of your behaviors and things will turn themselves around, but if you decide to try, please don't just try once and give up if it doesn't work. It will take time to repair.   

Having said all that, I can't specifically answer your question with so little information. However, I am happy to help you through the ChatOwl format. You may also look at the "Articles" page of this website as I have posted several relationship oriented writings. You may also seek couples counseling in your area,  get committed to working through several of John Gottman's books/videos, find a couples retreat to go to, or seek out help from your clergy.

Research shows that couples are "in trouble" for 6 years before they get help. This is a long time of unhappiness that may be easily fixed if help is sought out sooner. No need to feel bad about it, nearly all of us didn't have good examples of what healthy marriages look like. Therefore, we didn't learn how to navigate marriage to sustain success, but the good news is that you can learn and change if both of you are willing and have the right guidance.

All the best. In joy, Tracy
May 23, 2017
+4 Votes