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How do I talk to someone that I am upset with?

asked Jan 23, 2017
15520 PointsGold
When approaching someone, start with a question to open up the dialog. Tell them about the situation like describing what happened, or what is going on for you. Talk about how it made you feel or how it affected you. Describe to them how you would like things to be different. Try not to get the person emotionally charged or defensive because you want the person to be receptive. Limit using the word "you", which points the finger and makes someone defensive.
Jan 23, 2017
+2 Votes
16060 PointsGold
If you are considering talking with someone you are upset with, pause and have a conversation with yourself first.  Otherwise, you will only guarantee an interaction that will lead to you feeling more upset with this person no matter what you try to say or do.

This person is just showing you what you have been making yourself think and feel.  And if you haven’t heard your upset feelings and the real reasons for them yet, this other person isn’t going to hear them either.  So if you try to address this directly with the other person before you address it with the person you’re actually upset with (which is you), you will only end up eliciting reactions that will ensure you end up more upset.  

So first have a conversation with yourself in which you acknowledge and validate your internal GPS’s feelings as this other person might ideally acknowledge and validate your feelings.  Say to yourself what you want to hear from the other person in the ideal.  Because the person you ultimately want to hear it from is you.  And only once you hear it from you will you actually be able to get it from the other person.

Let’s get into this in detailed steps so you can start putting it into action:

1) If you’re upset with someone, first ask yourself, “What is making me upset with this person?  What exactly is this person making me think and feel?”

2) Then ask yourself, “How have I been upsetting myself in these ways and making myself think and feel these things?”

3) And then apologize to yourself, “I’m sorry for making you upset with me.” (What else has this person supported you in feeling that you’d also like to apologize to yourself for?  Remember that this person is just reflecting what you have made yourself feel in the first place, treating you the way you have been treating yourself.)

4) And redirect, “Going forward, I would really like to make you feel so much better about me.  I would like to give you so many reasons to appreciate me and be happy with me.”  (Add to this based on your own specific feelings—what is the opposite of all that this person has supported you in feeling that isn’t good.)

5) The next step here would be to ask yourself how you would feel afterward if you talked with the other person now.  If it feels like it would feel good, do it.  If it feels like it would feel bad, don’t do it.  In many cases, it will feel unnecessary and even bad to talk with the other person about this after you’ve actually addressed the root of your negative feelings about the person with yourself, because the only person you actually needed to hear anything from and communicate with about this was you (since it was actually ultimately about you and not about the other person in the first place).  If it does feel like it would feel good to have talked with the other person about this at this point, then there’s more to learn here, so go for it.


If you would like help implementing these tools and approaching important conversations with people in ways that get the results you actually want, contact me now and we’ll get started revolutionizing your interactions with other people immediately!
Jan 28, 2017
+2 Votes
6510 PointsGold
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling upset. However, it is best not to take action and speak to the person immediately. If you speak to someone first without having an internal conversation, the message will remain.

The best way to solve this is to ask yourself in what way you made yourself feel this way. A person cannot make you feel a way you are not already making yourself feel. Next, apologize to yourself for treating yourself this way and focus on the feelings you would like to be feeling going forward.

Once you have the internal conversation with yourself, you can check with yourself if it would feel right to have the conversation. If it feels good to have the conversation with the person, then imagine how you would like to be feeling after the conversation is over. Step into those feelings and then have the conversation.

Contact me to help you learn tools to recognize and understand your experiences in your life as a direct reflection of how you are treating yourself. I will get you on a path where you shape your experiences in your life on purpose with awareness of how you are treating yourself and with conscious choices about how you would like to be treating yourself going forward in your life.
Jan 30, 2017
+2 Votes
2780 PointsGold
"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."- Henry David Thoreau

How each of us experiences life is entirely dependent on our individual thoughts and perceptions. The thoughts we choose to focus on, color everything about our the way we perceive any situation. We can look at the same scenario in any given situation and see things very differently from everyone else involved in the situation. Most of us become lost in the ego's desire to be heard and found to be RIGHT at the sacrifice of the feelings of those we love and admire. This  argumentative and hurtful way of managing differences in our interpersonal relationships, creates distance, lack of intimacy, and ultimately leads to failure of the relationship.

1. When challenged, take a moment to pause before saying anything.  Reflect on what your loved one is REALLY saying and listen for the feelings behind the words.  

2. Choose carefully one thing that you can say that will show respect for the opinion of the other person, while calmly stating how and why you feel differently.

3. Let the other person know that you care for them and value all of their opinions (even if they are different from yours).

4. Find at least one common feeling within the situation that will bring you closer together.  You will need to pause and step back  while objectively asking yourself... "what in this situation can we agree upon?"

5. End any disagreement with words of love, compassion, and respect.

6. Realize that we can all respectfully have and express different opinions and that is okay.

Ponder this:  Is it worth it to be "right" and attempt to control the opinions of everyone around us or would it be more beneficial to demonstrate respect, empathy, and unconditional love within your relationships?

If you truly desire to see beauty in the world around you, authentic happiness in your life, and joy in your relationships, be mindful of your loved ones as you carefully select the thoughts you nurture within yourself. Toxic thoughts produce toxic results. Positive, loving thoughts produce loving, positive results.
Jan 25, 2017
+1 Vote