If you are considering talking with someone you are upset with, pause and have a conversation with yourself first. Otherwise, you will only guarantee an interaction that will lead to you feeling more upset with this person no matter what you try to say or do.
This person is just showing you what you have been making yourself think and feel. And if you haven’t heard your upset feelings and the real reasons for them yet, this other person isn’t going to hear them either. So if you try to address this directly with the other person before you address it with the person you’re actually upset with (which is you), you will only end up eliciting reactions that will ensure you end up more upset.
So first have a conversation with yourself in which you acknowledge and validate your internal GPS’s feelings as this other person might ideally acknowledge and validate your feelings. Say to yourself what you want to hear from the other person in the ideal. Because the person you ultimately want to hear it from is you. And only once you hear it from you will you actually be able to get it from the other person.
Let’s get into this in detailed steps so you can start putting it into action:
1) If you’re upset with someone, first ask yourself, “What is making me upset with this person? What exactly is this person making me think and feel?”
2) Then ask yourself, “How have I been upsetting myself in these ways and making myself think and feel these things?”
3) And then apologize to yourself, “I’m sorry for making you upset with me.” (What else has this person supported you in feeling that you’d also like to apologize to yourself for? Remember that this person is just reflecting what you have made yourself feel in the first place, treating you the way you have been treating yourself.)
4) And redirect, “Going forward, I would really like to make you feel so much better about me. I would like to give you so many reasons to appreciate me and be happy with me.” (Add to this based on your own specific feelings—what is the opposite of all that this person has supported you in feeling that isn’t good.)
5) The next step here would be to ask yourself how you would feel afterward if you talked with the other person now. If it feels like it would feel good, do it. If it feels like it would feel bad, don’t do it. In many cases, it will feel unnecessary and even bad to talk with the other person about this after you’ve actually addressed the root of your negative feelings about the person with yourself, because the only person you actually needed to hear anything from and communicate with about this was you (since it was actually ultimately about you and not about the other person in the first place). If it does feel like it would feel good to have talked with the other person about this at this point, then there’s more to learn here, so go for it.
If you would like help implementing these tools and approaching important conversations with people in ways that get the results you actually want, contact me now and we’ll get started revolutionizing your interactions with other people immediately!