I’m sorry that you’ve been experiencing this. When we have arguments and misunderstandings with someone important to us, it can be so frustrating and upsetting, and sometimes even seem hopeless.
Fortunately, this situation can be resolved when you know how to do this.
The first step is to recognize that these are reflections of arguments and misunderstandings within you. In other words, in some area or areas of your life, you haven’t been listening to your own internal guidance. You’ve kept yourself limited in your conception of what is possible for you to experience. You’ve focused on what makes you feel bad, and ignored, dismissed, or tuned out your own internal guidance. And you’ve essentially been in the wrong place and doing the wrong thing in some way in relation to what would actually lead you to the experience of life that you want.
First, ask yourself, “What have these arguments and misunderstandings made me think and feel?”
Perhaps they’ve made you feel misunderstood, not listened to, ignored, dismissed, tuned out, unimportant, like you’re causing conflict or like conflict can’t be avoided, like you can’t do anything right, like you’re walking on eggshells, worried, afraid, like you can’t speak, like you don’t have any control, etc.
If you pay attention to the details of the arguments and misunderstandings with this person, you can get a better idea of where your arguments and misunderstandings with yourself have existed. When you look in the mirror, you see an accurate reflection of yourself. So are the arguments and misunderstandings about your career? Money? Your health? Your living situation? Your romantic relationship? A friendship? Your family?
Once you identify what these arguments and misunderstandings have made you feel, and in regard to which areas of your life you’ve been making your own internal guidance feel this, apologize to your internal guidance for making it feel these ways, and let it know what you’d like to make it feel instead going forward. In other words, tell yourself what you’d ideally like to hear from this other person.
For example, you could say to yourself something like, “I’m sorry I’ve misunderstood you and turned our conversations into arguments. I’m sorry for not really listening to what you’ve been saying to me and trying to communicate to me. I realize I’ve made you feel like you’re not being listened to, like you’re not important to me, like you can’t do anything right and like you just cause issues by speaking up to me and even just by being yourself. I’m really sorry for this. I’m sorry for making you so afraid, for making you feel like you can’t speak and like you don’t have any control over your experience.”
And then you could say, “Going forward, I’d really like to make you feel like I’m listening to you—really listening to you. I want you to feel like I understand what you’re saying, and like I’m making the effort to understand because you’re so important to me. I want you to feel like you do everything right and make things better by being you and by speaking up to me. I want you to feel like I really want to hear what you have to say. I want you to feel like you’re safe, like you can speak, like you have control over your experience with me because I’m listening to everything you say to me and acting in accordance with this.”
You’ll notice that you immediately start to feel different when you say these things to yourself. That’s your internal guidance responding to you. So if other thoughts or memories come up that bring up bad feelings, respond to these in the same way, since this is your internal guidance speaking to you and having a conversation with you. “I’m sorry I made you feel this way. Thank you for speaking up to me. Going forward, I’d really like to make you feel this other way instead.”
When you’ve addressed the concerns of your internal guidance, you will feel better. This is your internal guidance saying it feels good that it’s gotten your attention.
Next, ask yourself how you’d really like to feel in regard to the area or areas of life that came up here. If you could feel anything in a few months, or a year, or a few years from now, what would you want to feel?
Imagine feeling all of these things, separate from any specific things or people or circumstances that might make you feel these things.
Then ask yourself what feels right in regard to this area or these areas of your life from this positive feeling place. What actions feel right to take now from this positive feeling place? Be open and willing to do or change anything.
Be sure to listen to yourself now—to understand yourself now—and act on what feels right from here.
This is how you resolve the arguments and misunderstandings within you, and consequently outside you as well.
If you’d like help identifying what your arguments and misunderstandings with another person mean for you and exactly what actions to take (and in what areas of your life) to resolve them with yourself and with that other person, contact me for a free session now and we’ll get started right away creating much more harmonious and understanding communication within and outside you!