If you think affairs are just about the sex? Think again...
To the inexperienced, having an affair is all about the sex. Don’t get me wrong, affairs ARE about sex; wonderful, illicit, mind-blowing sex. But they are also about so much more. Many of my clients have had affairs and it's amazing how life-altering, almost without exception, these women’s experiences are.
What you are about to read may surprise you. I have listed 5 surprising things you may not know about having an affair.
1. It’s about who you are when you wake up.
Affairs don’t happen because of a void. People who have affairs are often stuck in long-term, unhappy relationships. Sex is nonexistent, communication has broken down and love is dead. Then, out of nowhere, someone new appears and changes everything.
I have a client who thought her life was fine. She wasn’t happy but she didn’t feel like the absence of love and sex was important to her. She had her kids, her friends, her work and, really, what else could a 40-year-old want………until she met him.....and he totally got her! They could spend hours talking about everything. They seemed to understand each other perfectly. He thought she was beautiful and told her so with every text communication. Just thinking about him has her body tingling……. and when they finally had sex. Boom! Hello?1?!?!
She had been sleepwalking for years. She was content with getting older and just being fine. No longer. She was awake. Every single fiber of her was wide awake.
2. It’s about the best sex of your life.
Affair sex has been characterized as the best sex one has had in his/her life. Prior to the experience, it was inconceivable. It has the symptoms of a drug— a highly addictive, legal, potentially lethal drug. It only takes one hit, and there is no going back.
Here are a few reasons why this might happen:
- The emotional connection, often the first step, leads to intense sexual connection. Sometimes more intense than anything you may have ever experienced.
- The illicit nature of it can be arousing. No matter the age, taking risks can be fun and rewarding. (Flirting with danger and experimentation are described as the best parts)
- The intense orgasms from the dopamine high can last more than 5 hours.
Once you have had affair sex, it’s virtually impossible to stop. Its drug-like effect is what makes people risk everything to have it…..and I mean EVERYTHING.
3. It’s about being broken down into a million little pieces.
In the beginning, affairs are more exciting than anything you could imagine, and after a while though, not so much. One of my clients had an affair with a stay-at-home dad. They had known each other for many years. She had a moment of vulnerability, they had sex and it all changed. They were both married, but this sex was so much better than what they were getting at home. Their new chemistry was addictive and they didn’t know how to stop it. Relationships were ruined at home and work suffered. The sex disrupted both of their lives as they began risking family time for mid-day escapades and late night quickies.
My client hated herself. The tug of war between her moral conscious and her personal character was too much for her. She lost 20 pounds, stopped sleeping, went into isolation, and ultimately had a nervous breakdown. The high that made her feel so alive almost killed her.
4. It’s about rebuilding.
Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to understand who you are at your core. Imagine reaching the highest heights of ecstasy at the start of the affair only to be plunged to the deepest depths. What you do after that free fall matters the most. Use this opportunity to take a good hard look yourself; what’s missing, what’s broken, and what’s repairable. Then enlist personal trainers, yogis, nutritionists, marriage counselors, and/or a life coach to help you rebuild. More often than not, the rebuilding process results in a clearer picture and stronger self.
5. It’s about making a big change.
When you are comfortable within yourself and your place in this world, you recognize the need for change and you find the strength to make it.
According to my clients, affairs aren’t planned. They just happen, but they always change your life.
If you hear about someone having an affair, or are considering having one yourself, don’t judge. Affairs are about sex, lots of great sex, but they are also about deconstruction and reconstruction of self..... and that can be some scary shit.