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Loving your partner starts by loving yourself! posted Oct 5, 2018

How often are you thinking about, wanting and waiting for your partner to change? This is the deal.  You can wait your whole life, but your partner will not change in any way, shape or form until YOU begin to change yourself.

Okay, well that's not entirely accurate.  Of course, your partner has the power and energy to make his or her own changes without you in whatever way he or she chooses. In fact, your partner is the only one who can make his or her own changes.

That's not what I'm saying.  What I'm saying is that if we sit waiting, hoping, begging, trying to convince our partner to change, we are fighting a losing battle.  Not only can we not change our partners, but we are completely disempowering ourselves if we get stuck in hoping that they'll change.

We can ONLY change ourselves and if we begin to do that, we start to see an amazing effect on our partners and our relationship with them. WE have to do the work to change how WE show up in our relationships.

So for me, there came a point last year in my 28-year marriage that I finally got tired of waiting to feel more love, connection and passion coming from my husband.  I wanted him to change. I wanted him to show me more love, give me more attention. We’ve been married forever and things were starting to get stale. Spark and aliveness were waning and I wanted more.

But, one day I realized that if I was going to get more attention and love from him, I was the one who had to make a change. If I was going to get more love, I had to give more love first, and it wasn’t him I needed to give it to first.  It was me. I wanted to give to him, but something in me knew I had to fill myself up first before I could fill him up.

I began taking care of myself in a new way I hadn’t before. I have always given myself time to do things I love doing just for me, such as playing tennis with my friends, working out at the gym, doing yoga-- various types of external activities that make my body feel good. Those activities are all great things to do and I continue to do them regularly. 

Yet, what I realized was that I wasn’t taking care of, or really even paying much attention to, my internal state--  my state of my mind, my sense of energy and peace from within.

What I decided to do was begin a morning ritual.  Ten minutes every morning before I do anything else (other than brew my cup of coffee, of course) I meditate. I sit for a brief time of quiet, being present to my breathing, my heartbeat, the physical sensations of my body.  I then follow with a few more minutes of writing down ten things I am grateful for in my life—people, things, creative ideas or ??? ….whatever comes to mind.

Once I began to pay attention to my inner sensations and what I was grateful for, I began to see and feel a shift in my relationship with my husband. I became more spontaneous in my expressions of love for him, both verbally and non-verbally. I felt a new energy and desire radiating from within me and as that began to happen, he became more spontaneously affectionate and loving toward me.  I was getting what I wanted!

So, this is all to say that if ever you’re feeling distant from your partner and wanting him or her to change, start with yourself first. It ALL begins with you.


I’m a relationship coach and love working with women in midlife who want to reignite the love and passion they felt years ago when they first met their partners. If you are a woman in her 40’s, 50’s or 60’s struggling with her relationship, or just wanting to give it a renewed jolt of energy and aliveness,  please reach out for a complimentary Discovery Call with me. No obligation to continue to work with me whatsoever. I’m here to serve in whatever way I can!

No matter your orientation—marital, religious, spiritual, or sexual, I’m here for you.  Let’s figure out together what’s holding you back and what you can create as you move forward into an amazing second half of your life! 

CLICK HERE to schedule a time on my calendar that works for you.  I look forward to connecting!

2120 PointsGold

Kimberly Riley

/ Midlife Transition and Relationship Coach