How to fix a Toxic Relationship…Or, Should you?

October 7, 2021

Toxic relationships are like a festering wound; they just keep hurting, and they never heal. No matter how much you want your toxic relationship to work, it won’t. You are like a child with a puzzle piece trying to make something fit that simply doesn’t. The problem with toxic relationships is that you feel as if there is something you can do to make things better.

“Trying to fix a toxic relationship is like cramming a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t fit.”

But if there was, don’t you think you would have found it by now? Be honest with yourself; the way that you are feeling right now is not new. Nor is this the first time you secretly Googled, “how to fix a toxic relationship?”. And also, if you are Googling “how to fix a toxic relationship,” you already know you are in one.

So, what is the answer? You can’t fix a toxic relationship any more than you can glue a limb back on. Some things can’t be fixed. And the harder you try, the worse it will become.

What is a Toxic Relationship?

Often, people get hung up on definitions and explanations. Toxic relationships happen for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes you want to find a cause like one person is narcissistic. But when it comes right down to it, it takes two people for a relationship to fail. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t with a totally abusive person. Or that their means of communication isn’t nonproductive and hurtful.

The problem is that you are still trying to repair something that you know in your heart shouldn’t be that hard. All relationships are challenging and require a certain amount of attention and care. But if you are trying everything you know, and you still can’t make it work, then there are times to wave the white flag!

“The definition of toxic is something that wears us down until eventually it breaks us.”

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

The human species was built to survive by people being protective and supportive of one another. If you are in a relationship where you spend more time being sorry, saying you’re sorry, or trying to make things work, then that is a whole lot of energy wasted.

When people talk about toxic relationships, they often think of extreme volatility. The truth is that a toxic relationship can be anything that causes you more heartache than happiness. It doesn’t have to be their fault, and you don’t have to take the blame. There are times when a relationship just doesn’t work and isn’t right for you emotionally. And when that happens, you need to say goodbye, as hard as it might be.

“I think I love being around you, but I find I love it more when you are gone.”

You are Happier When They Aren’t Around

We all have secrets that we keep hidden within ourselves to protect others and sometimes to protect us. If you are happier when they are not around, that is a red flag of a toxic relationship. That is not to say that we shouldn’t all enjoy our space and have our own identity without our significant other.

In fact, it is not only natural but totally healthy to want to have your own space. And also, to enjoy a little “me” time. But if the presence of them sends a chill down your back of fear or anxiety, that is a sign that they are not the person that should be by your side. And as difficult as it might be to admit or to accept, you would be happier if you didn’t have to feel #thestruggle all the time!

A young woman walks away in disgust and frustration from a confused man.

“Rollercoasters are only fun when you know eventually the ride will end.”

You Fight About the Same Issues Over and Over

If you feel as if you are on a continual rollercoaster that you can’t get off, you can. Couples who can’t seem to settle something and move on have one major problem; someone isn’t listening or caring for the needs of the other. A fight should be once and done because once you know that something you do hurts someone, you need to stop. If you find that your arguments are always about the same thing, then either one of you or neither of you isn’t listening.

And in the end, it really doesn’t matter which it is. If you can’t come together to find a happy medium and resolution, it isn’t going to happen. And it might be time just to accept that it isn’t in your best interest to stay together.

You Feel Like you are Living With the Enemy

A relationship is something that is supposed to provide you not only comfort but also protection. If you feel as if you are sleeping with the enemy, then you are in a toxic relationship. There is nothing worse than feeling guarded when you are supposed to be with the person with whom you can let your guard down.

If you want to have a lasting relationship with someone, there needs to be some sense of safety. And if you can’t trust what they are doing, what they are saying, or what they might do, there is no safety there. And it will always leave you unnerved. It is crucial always to trust your gut. And if your gut is saying “protect yourself,” then that is what you should do. If that is the case, then you are in a toxic relationship.

Gaslighting is usually an ascribed behavior to a narcissistic relationship. But it can happen in any relationship where someone isn’t willing to acknowledge the feelings of the other. Gaslighting is a way where one person shuts down the feelings of another by making their argument seem unrealistic and out of line. If you tell your significant other how you feel, and they hit you with a barrage of things that really don’t have any relationship to what you said, is super intense, and nonsensical, then you are being gaslighted.

You are Being Gaslighted

When someone gaslights you, they want to confuse you. And they seek to catch you off guard by throwing anything they can at you to find your weaknesses. If every time you voice a problem, you walk away feeling like it is all your fault, you are probably in a toxic relationship. And it might be time to consider walking away.

“It is one thing to be lonely alone, an entirely different thing to be lonely with someone.”

You Feel Isolated and Depressed

When you are in a toxic relationship, it can feel isolating and depressing. Your significant other is supposed to be your support system. But if it feels like they are MIA, then that is not supportive. A healthy relationship is supposed to be uplifting and foster you being your most genuine and sincere you.

If you hide who you are or what’s going on in your world, that’s a sign of things gone awry. And the worst part is that if you stay, it won’t get any better. It is like throwing bad money after good. What you invest won’t ever come back to you. Sometimes it is best to cut your losses and move forward and find someone who can provide you fulfillment and happiness, then to dig a hole that keeps collapsing in on itself.

“It is hard to stay in a toxic relationship, but sometimes even harder to leave”

Toxic Relationship Quotes

The reason that most people seek toxic relationship quotes is to affirm that they are in one. You don’t need to search for the answers about whether you are engaged in one, you can already feel it. Quotes are great to inspire you to leave and also to help you feel less alone. But try not to wallow in the combined misery of those who think how you do. Instead, let toxic relationship quotes be the push you need to move on. Clearly,  you are not alone, nor should you choose to be by staying stuck.

Feet of a young woman on Alpine Coaster.

How to get out of a Toxic Relationship

The hardest part about being in a toxic relationship is often not staying; it is committing to leave. It becomes so simple to keep on keeping on, regardless of the consequences because making a real and significant change can sometimes feel like you are giving up or quitting. But failure isn’t about something not working. It is about staying with something that isn’t working and wasting time and energy while still feeling lost and alone.

I am not going to lie, leaving any relationship, toxic or otherwise, is not easy. Nor does it come without pain. But in the end, the wound will heal. And what you will find is the strength that someone was taking from you, surface. And also, the happiness that you know, in your heart, you deserve.

You need to put your own needs, desires, and fulfillment at the forefront. After all, we only get one life here. And if you don’t live it to the fullest, there are no do-overs. Time literally does heal all wounds! So hold tight, believe in yourself, and always know that you don’t need anyone else to survive.

You were given all that you could possibly need and more…just find it within you and believe in it. If you are having a hard time leaving a toxic relationship, sometimes you just need to know someone is there and willing to boost you.

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