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Recent questions in Confi­dence

Lauren Roberts Stidger, MS, LPC

/ Licensed Professional Counselor / LPC
Self-confidence is usually a personality trait that is learned, practiced, and maintained. You can learn to improve your confidence through cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which helps individuals acknowledge or change their cognitions and behaviors. When we work to change our negative cognitions surrounding how we see ourselves, we can start to change our self-confidence as well.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Well, for those of you that are not empty-nesters yet. START NOW finding something else that you are passionate about to get into. You may keep supporting your children and spouse, but gradually wean them all off or your 100%+ overinvolvement. This way you will have taught your children to fly without your, your spouse to support your flight, and yourself to simply fly solo if you have to. Simply response: START LOOKING FOR HER NOW!

Heather Dempsey

/ Holistic Life Coach
I find that when an individual is centered in who they are, what they believe, their morals, values, standards and why, it enables them to feel much more confident and secure in their boundaries and self respect which in turn makes it comfortable to assert themselves. Helping a young adult (or any individual at any age) discover who they are, what their values are, help them realize what matters most and with that information they will have a stronger desire to move toward things that are in alignment and further from things that are not. I have a short online course on the topic of values called True Happiness. I've been offering it for free this week and I'm happy to send you an invite if you would like to check it out.

Nathan Walz

/ Anti-aging/Longevity Coach
Anticipating rejection has to do with your self-image. To change how you deal with rejection, change your self-image. Think of your self-image as your mental blueprint for how you view yourself. Your self-image is a product of your beliefs about yourself. Most of these beliefs are subconscious and are built by your past experiences - both good and bad. These beliefs become your truths and some of these beliefs are limiting beliefs and hold you back from living life to its fullest and being your best. These beliefs become a part of your self-image. So maybe you asked someone out in the 4th grade and they said no, or maybe you ran for class president and didn't win, or maybe you sold magazines door to door for a fundraiser and didn't sell very many or any. This forms a belief that you are prone to rejection. Physical feelings also become associated with this belief. When you are rejected your body has a stress response and releases cortisol and adrenaline. This doesn't feel good. Now you go through life believing anytime you ask someone out, run for office, ask for a promotion, or ask something of will be rejected. Just the thought of asking for something releases hormones causing you to feel the way you felt in the 4th grade when you asked that person out and they said no, that you may not even remember doing in the first place. You've tried positive thinking and it didn't work and now you feel even more rejected. So what can you do? Think of a positive memory in your life. It doesn't even have to be of you being accepted or someone saying yes to a request. Just go back in time to a happy memory. How did it feel? It felt good...right? Focus on this positive feeling. Let it build. Learn this feeling. Now visualize yourself asking someone out, asking for a promotion, or asking for something you want and feel the positive feeling in your body. The key is to see what you want in your mind and associate this with a positive feeling. Make this a part of your start of each day. Do this practice anytime you anticipate rejection. See it and feel it and you change your state of being and you change your self-image into one of acceptance. You create new beliefs that help you get what you want and live the life you want to live.

Auguste Hill

/ Productivity Expert
I"ll take the philosophical end of this question. Of course, that means asking another question; are there really any mistakes? Todd Smith has answered the Yes part of this beautifully, so I'll take the No side. First off, my impetus is to start with a quote from one of my favorite contemporary French philosophers: “People know what they do; frequently they know why they do what they do; but what they don't know is what what they do does.” - Michel Foucault As you can deduce from Foucault’s point about our awareness, it’s hard to imagine a situation where we can know if what we’ve done is truly a mistake. We may not like the outcome of a particular behavior we’ve exhibited, how others have reacted, how we’ve felt later after the incident was over, but can we really know if what we did was wrong on a Big Picture level? There’s the Buddhist parable about the zen master who lives in the village and is revered by his fellow villagers. Every day they pronounce his very presence among them as a gift to their community until one day a teenage girl accuses him of impregnating her. As you can imagine the villagers are incensed and let the old Zen Master have it. Then a few days later the girl, sobbing, confesses that it was really a teenage boy on the other side of the village who is the baby’s father. If the Zen Master looked to the external for validation about whether his actions, and really his very being, was in proper, a.k.a. unmistaken, alignment with the Universe, he would quickly become unbalanced experiencing self-doubt, low self-worth and have a difficult time being a confident contributor to the other villagers' lives. He looks within, however, and stays in alignment and self-congruent thus his ability to radiate love, kindness, and a plethora of positive aspects of character that he is known for by his community. Mistakes lead us outside ourselves as we try to change, correct, validate, or even invalidate ourselves and others in order to be right as we have set it in our culturally conditioned minds. Undoing a mistake, then, is really about analyzing our capability to perceive from an elevated perspective so that we can engineer a more workable, livable approach to life. Otherwise, in our deep desire to be right, do good, and lead respectable lives we fail to understand that ultimately, life is unknowable. We waste time churning our inner lives into butter when really we wish to maintain a fluid, free flowing state of alertness, acting instead of reacting. Coming to terms with this essential aspect of living is the deep, palpable work of the human being being human which means being beautifully imperfect in our perfect relationship to the world.

Michael Broder, Ph.D.

/ Psychologist, Author and Coach to High Achievers / LP
Remember that therapy exists for one purpose, and that is to get YOU the results you are seeking. In addition, a therapeutic relationship is like any other relationship, that relies on the chemistry between you, to be optimal. So if you feel that you cannot establish an optimal connection with him or her that would allow you to work on the issues for which you have sought therapy, this should be brought up in your session as soon as possible. An experienced therapist has dealt with variations of this theme many times. If you are too uncomfortable to ever discuss this crucial matter with your therapist, you simply choose not to, or you don't feel any differently after you do discuss it, my best advice would be to seek another therapist as soon as possible. However, at the very least, it's important to use the experience as a source of personal insight regarding what it is that you are looking for in the professional you are relying upon to explore the most pressing and/or vulnerable aspects of your life!

Dan Ludwick

/ Certified Life& Holistic Health& Wellness Coach
Get encouragement in the tough times. Be apart of a community and a support structure in the hard times. Having others to help get through tough times helps a lot. It will make it easier to go through. Obstacles and tests make you stronger. If you never had tests in life and you just laid back because everything is easy, then you would not grow as much. You would not feel the need to be determined. You would not be able to help people as much. You will have to suffer in order to grow. Life is all a test. Be resilient. Be in control of your emotions, stay calm, and be determined to grow. Who says life is supposed to be fun is easy? Life is not always going to be hard and you won’t always need to struggle, but when you do, do not let it get you down and break you. Stay strong. You can do it. . Do not ask why is this happening to me, rather what can I learn from this and how can I grow from this?

Dan Ludwick

/ Certified Life& Holistic Health& Wellness Coach
Yes you are. Dont try to be like other people. Be authentic. Be real. Be YOU! There is no one like you in the world. You have unique talents and skills that no one else has in the world. There are billions on people on earth. You are unique and special. Just be you, and you will attract the right people in your life. The more you stick to just being you, the more fun and excitement you will have. Create your own dreams. Dream big. Then create a plan, and go after it. Create the life you want and surround yourself with people you want to be with. Be with people that believe in you, can build you up, and make you feel special and talented.

Alicia Gomez, Ph.D.

/ Marriage and Family Therapist
Positive affirmations are positive statements that you can say to yourself in order to challenge the critical and self-sabotaging dialogue that you have with yourself. By changing how you speak to yourself, you can change how you feel about yourself. Some of our thought patterns have derived from childhood. Perhaps, you had a critical parent and now you have learned to be critical of yourself. Other times, our thoughts about ourselves have been shaped by messages we have received from society, friends, or other sources. Nevertheless, these negative thoughts are just that, thoughts. And thoughts can be changed! Just how your mind has been conditioned to believe these negative thoughts, you can also reprogram your thought patterns to believe positive statements. Listen to the kind of dialogue you have with yourself and challenge yourself to re-frame it with a positive statement. Dare to approve of yourself and see how that manifests in your life and in your relationships. **For further reading or information on positive affirmations, you can refer to the books of Louise L. Hay.

Dan Ludwick

/ Certified Life& Holistic Health& Wellness Coach
You don’t. You do not share opinions for the sake of sharing opinions. I assume the whole point of sharing your opinion is to get your message across and so that people can understand your side and reflect on it in their lives. Shouting in a crowded room, where the audience may not care is not conducive. You want to share with people who will actually listen to what you say, so it has the possibility to give them a new perspective. If you want to speak to a large group of people, then hold your own event talking about your unpopular opinion and if it is educational, then you can educate people in the matter. You can also talk to people one on one and find out if they have an opinion on the matter and what their thoughts are. You can then ask if they would be interested in hearing your side. You want to talk to be who will be receptive. You do not want to force your opinions into people. Being forceful will not get the message across and can turn people off.
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