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Coming Soon | December 2019
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Recent questions in Self Esteem

Helen Granskog

/ Certified Wellness Coach and Author
Some great areas to consider setting goals in are: your relationships, your spirituality, exercise, nutrition, hobbies/interests, career, community, parenting and personal development. Setting goals in these areas will help you to maintain balance as an individual and help you become the best version of yourself. If resolutions and goal setting is new to you, this list may seem overwhelming. To avoid overwhelm pick 3 to 5 areas, instead of all, to set goals in.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Your "why" is "your why." I wondering "how are you okay with pain and discomfort that you must be experiencing when you find yourself in a situation or a relationship that harms you in some way. I'm wondering when are you going to realize that you have some control when you are making these "interesting" choices. You have at least two choices going forward: You may continue to consciously or unconsciously put yourself in situations of harm, OR you may slow yourself down consider that you are about to make the SAME kind of poor choice AND in that moment CHOOSE a more helpful alternative. Give your new response some time to become a habit and before you know it, this question will NOT APPLY TO YOU.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Well, for those of you that are not empty-nesters yet. START NOW finding something else that you are passionate about to get into. You may keep supporting your children and spouse, but gradually wean them all off or your 100%+ overinvolvement. This way you will have taught your children to fly without your, your spouse to support your flight, and yourself to simply fly solo if you have to. Simply response: START LOOKING FOR HER NOW!

Heather Dempsey

/ Holistic Life Coach
I find that when an individual is centered in who they are, what they believe, their morals, values, standards and why, it enables them to feel much more confident and secure in their boundaries and self respect which in turn makes it comfortable to assert themselves. Helping a young adult (or any individual at any age) discover who they are, what their values are, help them realize what matters most and with that information they will have a stronger desire to move toward things that are in alignment and further from things that are not. I have a short online course on the topic of values called True Happiness. I've been offering it for free this week and I'm happy to send you an invite if you would like to check it out.

Rachel Pepin

/ Branding Advisor
Getting out and doing something even when you don't feel like it: Can be going for a walk, putting on your favorite tunes, grabbing a hot beverage, taking a class, slowing down, calling a friend.. often by helping out someone else.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Great question: My response-- F-E-A-R F-Fear that we will be judged, punished, rejected, shamed, discouraged..AND that our emotional response will not be reciprocated and/or authentically received; AND that the expression emotion will diminish us in some way--we'll appear weak and needy, either by our own judgement or by the judgement of the other person(s). E- Expression of emotions is often criticized in many cultures and most of us want social acceptance from our tribe. Since emotional expression is often frowned upon, many of us are inept in expressing emotional ourselves , so we avoid it because we don't know how to adequately and effective emotionally express ourselves without being overly or "underly" (new word :) ) expressive. A-Anxiety is a sign of fear manifested in physical symptoms--sweaty palms, nervous stomachs and many other idiosyncratic behaviors of discomfort. So, instead of expressing ourselves we try keep cool and appear that we are not afraid, while inside the body is waging a fearful war. R-Retribution--Some expect and fear being rejected, punished, or ostracized for being emotionally expressive. Depending on one's culture the type of rejection may range from being simply being ignored to being outwardly ridiculed. Exception: Of course in some cultures the more emotionally expressive (sometimes explosive) you are the better adjusted you are. So, most of what I've said applies to who it applies to.

Deborah Englund

/ Coach for victims of narcissistic abuse
Get to know Yourself better and work on Your good and strong sides. You cant be good at everything and live up to everybody elses expectations. You know what You can do. Make more of that and enjoy Yourself. Nobodys perfect and that is perfectly ok. Respect Yourself more, and dont respect others to much. Relax.

Nathan Walz

/ Anti-aging/Longevity Coach
Anticipating rejection has to do with your self-image. To change how you deal with rejection, change your self-image. Think of your self-image as your mental blueprint for how you view yourself. Your self-image is a product of your beliefs about yourself. Most of these beliefs are subconscious and are built by your past experiences - both good and bad. These beliefs become your truths and some of these beliefs are limiting beliefs and hold you back from living life to its fullest and being your best. These beliefs become a part of your self-image. So maybe you asked someone out in the 4th grade and they said no, or maybe you ran for class president and didn't win, or maybe you sold magazines door to door for a fundraiser and didn't sell very many or any. This forms a belief that you are prone to rejection. Physical feelings also become associated with this belief. When you are rejected your body has a stress response and releases cortisol and adrenaline. This doesn't feel good. Now you go through life believing anytime you ask someone out, run for office, ask for a promotion, or ask something of anyone...you will be rejected. Just the thought of asking for something releases hormones causing you to feel the way you felt in the 4th grade when you asked that person out and they said no, that you may not even remember doing in the first place. You've tried positive thinking and it didn't work and now you feel even more rejected. So what can you do? Think of a positive memory in your life. It doesn't even have to be of you being accepted or someone saying yes to a request. Just go back in time to a happy memory. How did it feel? It felt good...right? Focus on this positive feeling. Let it build. Learn this feeling. Now visualize yourself asking someone out, asking for a promotion, or asking for something you want and feel the positive feeling in your body. The key is to see what you want in your mind and associate this with a positive feeling. Make this a part of your start of each day. Do this practice anytime you anticipate rejection. See it and feel it and you change your state of being and you change your self-image into one of acceptance. You create new beliefs that help you get what you want and live the life you want to live.

Deborah Englund

/ Coach for victims of narcissistic abuse
Men hide in activity and silence. Women need to talk and usually do not want to be alone.

Auguste Hill

/ Productivity Expert
I"ll take the philosophical end of this question. Of course, that means asking another question; are there really any mistakes? Todd Smith has answered the Yes part of this beautifully, so I'll take the No side. First off, my impetus is to start with a quote from one of my favorite contemporary French philosophers: “People know what they do; frequently they know why they do what they do; but what they don't know is what what they do does.” - Michel Foucault As you can deduce from Foucault’s point about our awareness, it’s hard to imagine a situation where we can know if what we’ve done is truly a mistake. We may not like the outcome of a particular behavior we’ve exhibited, how others have reacted, how we’ve felt later after the incident was over, but can we really know if what we did was wrong on a Big Picture level? There’s the Buddhist parable about the zen master who lives in the village and is revered by his fellow villagers. Every day they pronounce his very presence among them as a gift to their community until one day a teenage girl accuses him of impregnating her. As you can imagine the villagers are incensed and let the old Zen Master have it. Then a few days later the girl, sobbing, confesses that it was really a teenage boy on the other side of the village who is the baby’s father. If the Zen Master looked to the external for validation about whether his actions, and really his very being, was in proper, a.k.a. unmistaken, alignment with the Universe, he would quickly become unbalanced experiencing self-doubt, low self-worth and have a difficult time being a confident contributor to the other villagers' lives. He looks within, however, and stays in alignment and self-congruent thus his ability to radiate love, kindness, and a plethora of positive aspects of character that he is known for by his community. Mistakes lead us outside ourselves as we try to change, correct, validate, or even invalidate ourselves and others in order to be right as we have set it in our culturally conditioned minds. Undoing a mistake, then, is really about analyzing our capability to perceive from an elevated perspective so that we can engineer a more workable, livable approach to life. Otherwise, in our deep desire to be right, do good, and lead respectable lives we fail to understand that ultimately, life is unknowable. We waste time churning our inner lives into butter when really we wish to maintain a fluid, free flowing state of alertness, acting instead of reacting. Coming to terms with this essential aspect of living is the deep, palpable work of the human being being human which means being beautifully imperfect in our perfect relationship to the world.
To see more, click for the full list of questions.