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Recent questions in Relation­ships

Melissa Ludwig

/ Compassionate Therapist / LMHC
That is absolutely not true! Unfortunately, that is the common belief even among some mental health professionals. However, it's simply not the case! Personality disorders are very treatable, as long as the person is willing to put the work in. There are certain types of therapy, such as DBT, that are specifically designed to work with different types of personality disorders. These therapy techniques help a person with tolerating distressing emotions, being more mindful of inner versus external cues, etc. There are so many effective coping skills that can be taught to anyone who is willing to learn-people with personality disorders are no exclusion!

Robin Albertson, AMFT (102801)

/ Associate Therapist & Coach
Thanks for the question! Sometimes it's easier for us to hold ourselves accountable as a "bad picker" than holding others accountable for their poor behavior. Regardless of the reason you're feeling like a you choose people who lie, the reality is that you are not responsible for someone else's choices. Extend yourself some forgiveness and kindness by holding others responsible for their actions.

Geraldine Novy BS, RN, NC-BC, NBC-HWC, FMCHC

/ Pinwheel The Art of Wellness Lifestyle
There is a difference in being helpful vs. harmful. Caring for another's wellness is natural. The care or help I provide does not define me in my relationships which relates to codependency and can be harmful. I have boundaries. In my career as a Holistic RN and National Board Certified Health Coach I make a conscious choice to be helpful to someone or a group for their optimal health & wellness. Geraldine.PinwheelPresents.com.

Stephane Louis, LMFT

/ Licensed Counselor | LGBTQIA / LMFT
Codependency is characterized by a series of behaviors that are focused in someone else's direction, usually at one’s own expense. It is not merely something you "keep doing," but more so, it is a way of being. For that reason, it may be difficult to just stop "doing" a thing or being so codependent. Often when forming habits, if we dig beneath the surface, we find that we take actions because of a belief (e.g. he needs me, things will fall apart without me, she cannot do it on her own). If we go a little further, we may find deeper questions like: who am I without him, am I important, what do I need? Pondering those thoughts can be painful, so it may be more soothing to look at someone else’s concerns instead of what we truly want. When we are looking in the direction of someone else consistently, it can be hard to go anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you have to leave your relationship to become independent or interdependent. You can allow yourself to change your orientation to your partner. Try looking ahead WITH them at what you both want instead of AT them to fill a need. With consistency and effort, you both can walk forward together... interdependently.

LaTasha Russell, Psy.D.

/ Relationships Expert
You need to tell your neighbor that great sex is one of the worst reasons to marry someone. Great Sex, Wealth, Good-looking are all very shallow reasons to marry. However, if your neighbor is leading this woman on by saying that he wants to marry her, when he does not, we have a bigger problem. Many times, men believe that they have to lie to get what they want, when this is a new day and age, and women have learned and voiced that they have needs to. I believe that your neighbor needs to sit down with this woman and ask her if there relationship remains sexual without the commitment, how much longer will it lasts. Now, if the answer is "not for too much longer," and your neighbor gets sad, he may want to evaluate his feelings. After he self-reflects, he may realize that he may really like this woman, but is scared to get married. However, if he is just sad because he will not have access to her body, he may need to get on a dating app that is solely for sex alone. Hopefully, one day your neighbor will start thinking with the right head, until then wear condoms! It's dangerous out there.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
One thing you MIGHT DO is remember some "stupid @$$-crap" you 've done. Think long and hard about it because I'm sure you haven't done nearly the stupid crap that your friend continues to do. Once you get that thing in your mind, think about it EVERYTIME you get angry with her. If this doesn't work then you are doomed to always be angry with your friend (instead of giving her grace for being a human that is slow to learn from her mistakes).

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
If you believe he will listen then find the most emotionally intelligent way to tell him. But you think that he is not secure enough to think past his fragile ego then let him learn this lesson on his own and then be there to help him clean up the aftermath.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Understand that people always have good reasons for doing what they do, whether you agree or not. And unfortunately, they don't always explain their reasoning with us. So you can ask your friend "Why?" Or you can give her or him what you think is a legitimate reason for "lying" to you. If you ask him or her "why," be prepared to forgive them for a response that you don't agree with. But if you give them a good excuse for lying to you then you can be done with it. Now, this will only work if you love your friend and value the relationship.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Hmmmm, #@$%! Depends. Here is a list of thoughts Just tell him you know 1) You can write him a letter, and leave it open where he can see it; 2) You can call her and merge the call and tell them both 3) You can text him of course--be creative. 4) You can show him (be creative here) Other considerations: 1) If you plan to keep forgiving him--get over the cheating. Just know that this will be your life with him, or 2) You can open the marriage so that "cheating" is a thing of the past. 3) If you don't plan to stay in the relationship then do one or all the above and leave. 4) If you plan to stay then examine how you are going to live with the cheating and find ways to take care of yourself emotionally.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Sounds like none of you saw this coming. Well, this kind of thing happens all the time. Not sure if you will ever really understand her behavior, because it sounds like it doesn't make sense to you or the others. Your most effective approach to "understand" her is to contact a therapist or a coach with mediation and conflict skills. All members of the family should sit down and sort through everything.
To see more, click for the full list of questions.