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Recent questions in Relation­ships

Ronica M. Clark, LMFT

/ Working with you to get a little peace of mind / LMFT
The short answer is no it is not true that a person with personality disorder cannot be help and that there is no change them. The catch is you cannot be the one who changes them. A person with a personality disorder cannot change unless they want to change. So if you're in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder they will not change unless they want to change. A person with a personality disorder may not want to change because they did not develop a personality disorder over night and most likely it helped them in someway to be that way in the world. Only person you can change is yourself. Please don't accept this behavior because they "can't help it", and get this toxic relationship out of your life.

Robin Albertson, AMFT (102801)

/ Associate Therapist & Coach
Thanks for the question! Sometimes it's easier for us to hold ourselves accountable as a "bad picker" than holding others accountable for their poor behavior. Regardless of the reason you're feeling like a you choose people who lie, the reality is that you are not responsible for someone else's choices. Extend yourself some forgiveness and kindness by holding others responsible for their actions.

Geraldine Novy BS, RN, NC-BC, NBC-HWC, FMCHC

/ Pinwheel The Art of Wellness Lifestyle
There is a difference in being helpful vs. harmful. Caring for another's wellness is natural. The care or help I provide does not define me in my relationships which relates to codependency and can be harmful. I have boundaries. In my career as a Holistic RN and National Board Certified Health Coach I make a conscious choice to be helpful to someone or a group for their optimal health & wellness. Geraldine.PinwheelPresents.com.

Stephane Louis, LMFT

/ Licensed Counselor | LGBTQIA / LMFT
Codependency is characterized by a series of behaviors that are focused in someone else's direction, usually at one’s own expense. It is not merely something you "keep doing," but more so, it is a way of being. For that reason, it may be difficult to just stop "doing" a thing or being so codependent. Often when forming habits, if we dig beneath the surface, we find that we take actions because of a belief (e.g. he needs me, things will fall apart without me, she cannot do it on her own). If we go a little further, we may find deeper questions like: who am I without him, am I important, what do I need? Pondering those thoughts can be painful, so it may be more soothing to look at someone else’s concerns instead of what we truly want. When we are looking in the direction of someone else consistently, it can be hard to go anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you have to leave your relationship to become independent or interdependent. You can allow yourself to change your orientation to your partner. Try looking ahead WITH them at what you both want instead of AT them to fill a need. With consistency and effort, you both can walk forward together... interdependently.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
There is a blues song from way back in the day that says "...there ain't nothing you can do." I believe this one of those cases. It's not a lost cause, as your friend JUST MIGHT wake up and smell the coffee. But, his friend--you, will have to let him learn this lesson without your encouragement. Some behaviors die hard, and so the hard lessons and the consequences that follow will be just as hard to endure, but "there ain't nothing YOU can do."

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
One thing you MIGHT DO is remember some "stupid @$$-crap" you 've done. Think long and hard about it because I'm sure you haven't done nearly the stupid crap that your friend continues to do. Once you get that thing in your mind, think about it EVERYTIME you get angry with her. If this doesn't work then you are doomed to always be angry with your friend (instead of giving her grace for being a human that is slow to learn from her mistakes).

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
If you believe he will listen then find the most emotionally intelligent way to tell him. But you think that he is not secure enough to think past his fragile ego then let him learn this lesson on his own and then be there to help him clean up the aftermath.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Understand that people always have good reasons for doing what they do, whether you agree or not. And unfortunately, they don't always explain their reasoning with us. So you can ask your friend "Why?" Or you can give her or him what you think is a legitimate reason for "lying" to you. If you ask him or her "why," be prepared to forgive them for a response that you don't agree with. But if you give them a good excuse for lying to you then you can be done with it. Now, this will only work if you love your friend and value the relationship.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Hmmmm, #@$%! Depends. Here is a list of thoughts Just tell him you know 1) You can write him a letter, and leave it open where he can see it; 2) You can call her and merge the call and tell them both 3) You can text him of course--be creative. 4) You can show him (be creative here) Other considerations: 1) If you plan to keep forgiving him--get over the cheating. Just know that this will be your life with him, or 2) You can open the marriage so that "cheating" is a thing of the past. 3) If you don't plan to stay in the relationship then do one or all the above and leave. 4) If you plan to stay then examine how you are going to live with the cheating and find ways to take care of yourself emotionally.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Sounds like none of you saw this coming. Well, this kind of thing happens all the time. Not sure if you will ever really understand her behavior, because it sounds like it doesn't make sense to you or the others. Your most effective approach to "understand" her is to contact a therapist or a coach with mediation and conflict skills. All members of the family should sit down and sort through everything.
To see more, click for the full list of questions.