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Recent questions in Dating

Robin Albertson, AMFT (102801)

/ Associate Therapist & Coach
Thanks for the question! Sometimes it's easier for us to hold ourselves accountable as a "bad picker" than holding others accountable for their poor behavior. Regardless of the reason you're feeling like a you choose people who lie, the reality is that you are not responsible for someone else's choices. Extend yourself some forgiveness and kindness by holding others responsible for their actions.

Stephane Louis, LMFT

/ Licensed Counselor | LGBTQIA / LMFT
Codependency is characterized by a series of behaviors that are focused in someone else's direction, usually at one’s own expense. It is not merely something you "keep doing," but more so, it is a way of being. For that reason, it may be difficult to just stop "doing" a thing or being so codependent. Often when forming habits, if we dig beneath the surface, we find that we take actions because of a belief (e.g. he needs me, things will fall apart without me, she cannot do it on her own). If we go a little further, we may find deeper questions like: who am I without him, am I important, what do I need? Pondering those thoughts can be painful, so it may be more soothing to look at someone else’s concerns instead of what we truly want. When we are looking in the direction of someone else consistently, it can be hard to go anywhere else. That doesn’t mean you have to leave your relationship to become independent or interdependent. You can allow yourself to change your orientation to your partner. Try looking ahead WITH them at what you both want instead of AT them to fill a need. With consistency and effort, you both can walk forward together... interdependently.

Deborah Englund

/ Coach for victims of narcissistic abuse
As far as other people's relationships are concerned, one can be misunderstood in a thousand different ways. Ask if you can give your view on their relationship. If the answer is no, then it's no. You can also use storytelling and tell a parable, a story that your friend may be related to at some level. Jesus used that method. People have the ability to defeat the obvious. Before interfering with someone else's relationship, you should consider whether the concerns are, in fact, your own. Be sure your intentions are honest, then you should not have any trouble formulating yourself.

Fadela Hilali

/ Life Coach, Speaker, Bestselling Author
To get to know someone on a deep level requires a willingness to be present. By being present, I mean the ability to witness and experience who they are without projecting our own expectations or assumptions onto them. Knowing your partner also means cultivating a genuine connection which means showing up as you really are, being vulnerable and honest. This will in turn create a climate of trust which will make THEM more likely to reveal their true self to you. As far as questions go, asking them about their values, their aspirations is a great way to kick off meaningful conversations, conversations that will ultimately help you get to know each other better. Likewise, when they are talking, LISTEN. Resist the temptation to interrupt or think that you can complete their sentences as this will interrupt the natural flow of the exchange and potentially, the information they are willing to share. Last but not least, make it a habit to communicate often and openly as this is one of the pillars of any healthy relationship.

Helen Granskog

/ Certified Wellness Coach and Author
During Valentines we often think of and talk about the special love between two people but I would encourage us to take some time to celebrate the love we should have for ourselves, first. Only when we love ourselves first and make sure our needs are met, can we successfully and adequately meet the needs of those around us. We can only give what we have from a full cup. The best gift you can give this year is prioritizing and taking time for your self-care. Self-care is essential in order to live a balanced life full of love. When our own needs are not met in the midst of a busy schedule, we get burned out and are no longer effective at meeting the needs of those we love. Make time to figure out what would bring you peace, maybe it is a massage regularly, a night out with the girls, time to just sit and read, painting, journaling, taking a nap, taking an interesting class, meditation or engaging in some exercise.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
This is up to you. I'd say, say "I love you" the moment your know. You can always give an explanation about the timeliness of it. While you're analyzing the thing, you could planning the next move together. Go for it. His or her response will be good information going forward.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
I'd say we JUMP into love and not fall. Falling implies "out of control." and if we truly fall in love without our consent then we'd have more multi-ethnic couples, more tall women with short men, more rich and poor combinations, more same-sex couples, more disparities in educational levels within couples, and more age variations. This is not an exhaustive list but you get what I'm saying. My belief is that love is a choice so we choose who we want to fall in love with--so it's both. Said differently, we look for what we want in a partner then we allow ourselves to give in to the love for the other person. The fall is a choice based on our personal preferences. And should you fall in love with someone it is still by choice, I believe.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
If you are a man the first thing you need to do is assess what kind of things the woman might appreciate. If you can’t tell, then ask. If you don’t want to ask, just do the things that you think she might appreciate: opening doors, helping with jackets/coats, complimenting her outfit/hair/fragrance etc. She’ll either show you or tell you what she appreciates in the small gestures. Then you’ll want to bring your “A-game” conversation. Allow her to lead the conversation is she’s talkative at all. Then be thoughtful and as agreeable as you can be. You don’t have to kiss-up to her, but you do have to respectfully disagree as appropriate. Good table manners, tipping well, being courteous to others are all turn-ons. Also, humor and intelligent conversation are really big turn-ons. So relax, be as authentic as possible, and turn it on just enough to keep her engaged. Oh yes, don’t try anything fast on the first date even if she appears willing. You want her to do all but say how fast she wants to go and when.

Dr. Debra LMFT (MT2416)

/ The Relationship Expert / LMFT
Bless your EI heart! Congrats on your ability to name what is going on socially with you and women. There are a lot of brothers that are so committed to the Man Box that they will not say the thing you’ve just said. You are truly a mature man who is confident enough in his manhood that labels don’t intimidate or infuriate you. I had to say that. Now, to butch it up. But first, many women are not accustomed to a fully evolved man, so know that even some of the ones that can dig you, will wonder the same things as others do. But don’t let that bother you, these have been indoctrinated and know how the Man Box-man looks, talks, walks, and dresses, etc. So be patient. I’m going to offer suggestions for your question, but don’t get pulled over to the dark-side should you decide to take the "advice."  1) Talk slowly 2) Use as much bass in your voice as you can muster 3) Walk slowly with strength and swag—Denzel Washington is a good example 4) Wear darker colors; avoid being too fashionable Now, the best way to attract the kind of woman that fits the man that you are is to Do You. The right one will be just fine with the out-of-the-man-box you. But, should you attract this woman using the above inane suggestions, as soon as you sense that she is the one, TELL HER THE TRUTH. If she is righteous (old school word for the right kind or one) then you’ll have a hearty laugh together. Let me know how this works? You know where to find me.
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